The Art Museum of Life

Maybe it’s the rain outside tonight that’s got me blue…I’m really not sure.  I guess I’m just a little sad and maybe a lot lonely, stressed about the car and work, wishing I was anywhere but here.

I suppose, then, it’s some sort of message from the universe that Rocky is on AMC tonight.  I love the Rocky movies.  All of them.  No matter how 70s, how trite the message, how bad the acting, I always feel a little more inspired and hopeful after watching a Rocky movie.  Maybe it’s the “underdog prevails” sentiment in all of them, or maybe (at least in the first four) the fact that Rocky and Adrian’s relationship is what holds them both together.  Perhaps, it’s those things and some je ne sais quois…I can’t explain it.

It’s the original on tonight…and for the rest of the week, a Rocky every night, so there’s something to look forward to beyond the presidential elections and the possibility of a new car.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been spending more and more time by myself.  That in itself makes me sad, but there’s a million other things that have been on my mind.  Work.  Car problems.  Family stuff.  Friend stuff.  And, instead of facing any of it, I’m hiding.  Because I don’t think I can – nor do I want to – deal with it right now.  Everytime I try to face any of it, I end up feeling disappointed in myself in one way or another.  To be honest, right now, I feel like a failure at nearly everything.  If I were Rocky, it would be like I was perpetually running up the Art Museum steps and never getting any closer to the top.

I think I’ve reached the point of exhaustion.  I’m tired of running up the stairs and getting nowhere.

Work…work is a mess for me at the moment.  I’m working my butt off and getting nowhere.  I’m not even making a dent.  I’m not putting out work that I’m proud of because I’m rushing to get things done.  I’m not meeting expectations.  And the worst part is that I dread going in every day.  I love WHAT I do, but I don’t love why I’m doing it anymore.  That makes me really sad, because I used to love my company.  But after ten years, no promotions and little respect for a lot of work, I’ve reached a point where I don’t know what to do next.  I feel guilty every time I think about leaving…but being there isn’t healthy for me anymore.  I’m so unhappy about work that it’s bleeding into every other part of my life….

I’m not sleeping much anymore.  Maybe four hours a night most nights.  It makes me tired all day, but I can’t seem to break the pattern.  What do I do at night?  Stay up and worry about work.  Money.  My family.  My car.  But I don’t want to talk to anyone else about it anymore, either.

Do you ever feel like no one wants you around?  I mean generally feel like if you were to disappear from your own life, that you might not be missed very much?  I know my Mom would, but that’s probably about it.  Went running the other day with a group … all of whom are more athletic than I am and just better runners … and I turned around a little over halfway in because I felt like I was slowing them down.  And that’s sort of a metaphor for all my relationships right now…family, friends, co-workers.  Everyone’s moving ahead with their life and I’m just a weight slowing everyone down, holding everyone back, just generally being an annoyance that people tolerate but don’t really want around.  It’s a horrible way to spend your day, thinking everyone that you talk to is just tolerating you…but I can’t shake it and I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to upset everyone.  It breaks my heart…because my friends are my world.

And if all of this general feeling blah weren’t bad enough, my little car gave up the ghost last week.  My poor Eclipse.  It’s seen better days.  So, instead of sinking a few thousand into it to get it repaired, I’m looking at new cars.  Driving a rental right now.  I feel like I’m cheating on my Eclipse, talking about buying a new car.  Everytime I pull in the driveway, it’s just there, staring at me, so sad and alone.  It’s been such a good car and there are so many memories around it…but it’s become unreliable and unsafe to drive.   And as long as I’m driving back and forth to Jersey and Maryland to see my family, I need a reliable car.  So, maybe later this week, or early next week, I’ll have a new car to show off.  But it won’t be without a little nostalgia…the Eclipse will be missed….

I feel like I can’t get ahead at all, like nothing is on my side right now.  Like I’m a failure.  And that, maybe,is what upsets me the most.  Because when I stop and look on occasion, all I see is more stairs.

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