Hibernation

It got really flippin’ cold here at the end of last week.  I mean SUPER cold.  Below 20 degrees cold.  I despise this time of year.  It gets dark early, it’s cold, and all I want to do is stay in my bed, curled under the covers watching bad tv.

So that’s exactly what I did this weekend.  I have spent the entire weekend being totally self-indulgent and lazy.  I slept a bunch, ate frozen dinners, and have done nothing productive.  I did go for a 5-mile run yesterday morning and babysat for a few hours last night, but those are the only two times I’ve left the house.  For the most part, I haven’t left my room except to run to the refrigerator for water or food here and there.  And I do not feel one bit guilty about it.

I had a really tough week last week…was very emotional for some reason.  It was exhausting. I literally came home from work every night except one and fell asleep before 8 PM.  It’s definitely the weather and change of season getting to me…I HATE getting up when it’s dark and coming home and it’s dark.  No sunshine during the day, except what I can get through my office window and maybe a quick outing at lunch.  It’s depressing….

Anyway, back to this weekend.  I just haven’t wanted to talk to or be around anyone right now.  I’ve avoided phone calls – actually turned my phone off on Friday night.  I did call Joe to wish him a Happy Birthday on Saturday, and talked to my Mom and my brother today, but for the most part…I have been hiding.

Depressed?  Probably.  But despite what all of my friends seem to think, antidepressants and psychiatrists are not going to help me.  It would only make me feel like a bigger failure than I already do.  I’ve been here before…and the answer, for me, is finding things that make me happy and working on the areas where I feel I’ve fallen down.  Right now, I just don’t see how to do that…but I will find my way out of it and find the answers that I’m looking for.  That is MY solution for things, and I know myself better than anyone.

I am feeling like this coming year might be an “end” of some sort in my life…the end of friendships, possibly the end of this portion of my career, maybe the end of my time in Charlotte.  And it drives me to tears thinking about that, but I just feel like this is what this is all coming to…And maybe it is time for some changes.  Change is just hard for me…so I tend to fight it.  But fighting it may be what’s making me so sad.

Hence the hibernation.  It makes sense to me.

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