I leave for The Rock Boat in four days. I should be fired up and happy and counting the seconds impatiently.

Instead, I’m sitting here on my couch, tearing up at commercials and Larry King and whatever other crap is on TV at midnight. And I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why.

I’m just sad. It makes me crazy. And I can’t sleep, so I just stay up, surfing the internet, watching useless TV, turning shit over and over and over in my head. Work. Friendships that are dying. Missing my family. Moving. Financial stuff. Loneliness.

And when I think and think and think, I find so much fault with myself. There’s so much I wish I could change, so many things I wish I had done differently. Do you ever just wish you could start over? I wish that every day…

And it’s a sad thing, to wake up everyday, wishing that. Trust me.

It got really flippin’ cold here at the end of last week.  I mean SUPER cold.  Below 20 degrees cold.  I despise this time of year.  It gets dark early, it’s cold, and all I want to do is stay in my bed, curled under the covers watching bad tv.

So that’s exactly what I did this weekend.  I have spent the entire weekend being totally self-indulgent and lazy.  I slept a bunch, ate frozen dinners, and have done nothing productive.  I did go for a 5-mile run yesterday morning and babysat for a few hours last night, but those are the only two times I’ve left the house.  For the most part, I haven’t left my room except to run to the refrigerator for water or food here and there.  And I do not feel one bit guilty about it.

I had a really tough week last week…was very emotional for some reason.  It was exhausting. I literally came home from work every night except one and fell asleep before 8 PM.  It’s definitely the weather and change of season getting to me…I HATE getting up when it’s dark and coming home and it’s dark.  No sunshine during the day, except what I can get through my office window and maybe a quick outing at lunch.  It’s depressing….

Anyway, back to this weekend.  I just haven’t wanted to talk to or be around anyone right now.  I’ve avoided phone calls – actually turned my phone off on Friday night.  I did call Joe to wish him a Happy Birthday on Saturday, and talked to my Mom and my brother today, but for the most part…I have been hiding.

Depressed?  Probably.  But despite what all of my friends seem to think, antidepressants and psychiatrists are not going to help me.  It would only make me feel like a bigger failure than I already do.  I’ve been here before…and the answer, for me, is finding things that make me happy and working on the areas where I feel I’ve fallen down.  Right now, I just don’t see how to do that…but I will find my way out of it and find the answers that I’m looking for.  That is MY solution for things, and I know myself better than anyone.

I am feeling like this coming year might be an “end” of some sort in my life…the end of friendships, possibly the end of this portion of my career, maybe the end of my time in Charlotte.  And it drives me to tears thinking about that, but I just feel like this is what this is all coming to…And maybe it is time for some changes.  Change is just hard for me…so I tend to fight it.  But fighting it may be what’s making me so sad.

Hence the hibernation.  It makes sense to me.

Kelly and I are very similar creatures.  We have the same outlook on a lot of things in life, enjoy making light hearted fun of people, and have an independent streak that would put any non-party political candidate to shame.  Some might call us stubborn…we prefer the term “determined.”

My determination can get in my own way sometimes.  I HATE having to ask for help.  Usually, I’m of the opinion that if I can’t work it out on my own, I probably shouldn’t be doing it.  But from time to time, I have to ask for help.  I will go out of my way and take ridiculous extra steps to avoid having to ask for help, if I can.  And if I must ask for help, I will ask for the bare minimum.

And god forbid that I actually get up the nerve to ask someone for help and I detect even the slightest hint of the fact that I might be inconveniencing them.  I will just find another way around it.

For the last few weeks, I feel like I’ve been asking everyone around me for help. And it drives me crazy…But when you’re carless, money-less and your computer blows up, sometimes you have no choice.

Case in point:  tomorrow, I pick up my new car.  I also have (well, had now) a rental car that I was driving.  It’s pretty much impossible to pick up one car and get the other car back to the rental car place without asking for help.  So, I am inconveniencing three people to help me.  Tonight, after photography class, Kelly followed me to the airport to drop the rental car off, and then drove me 10 miles out of her way to drop me at home.  Tomorrow morning, the CFO, who lives around the block from me, will pick me up and take me to the office.  And at lunch, my co-worker (and friend) will drive me over to the car dealership to pick up my car.

I have yet to figure out why I have this complex about asking for help.  Perhaps it’s the oldest-child-in-a-single-parent home complex.  Perhaps it’s just being the oldest kid.  Or maybe I’ve just been burned by enough people that I realize there are very few people you can ask for “favors” and them not expect anything in return.  Or a combination of all of the above.  I don’t know.

Whatever the case, if I’ve asked you for help recently, thank you.  I am indebted.

Love,

The Determined One

I will pick up my new car on Thursday.  It’s such a strange thing for me.  This will only be the third car I’ve ever owned: the first, my hand-me-down Toyota Tercel, which I drove for seven years; the second, my beloved little Eclipse, which I’ve driven for ten and it breaks my heart to see it sitting there, not working.  And now, soon, I will have my little Scion tC.  I admit to being excited about it, but I have a hard time believing I’ll actually have a new car.  Michelle said it best today, “I can’t imagine you not in that car!” (referring to the Eclipse).

RIP, little Mitsu…

…either that or I have some sort of force field around me that is messing up anything electronic, mechnical or digital that I touch. Evidence the facts….

1.  Three weeks ago, my brand new Instinct blew up.  Well, crashed.  Died.  Whatever.  Had to replace it.  Thankfully, no cost since it was brand new.

2.  Last week, my car decides to give up the ghost.   Currently driving rental until I can figure out what I’m going to buy.

3.  Today, went into work, answered some e-mail, did some work, went to meeting.  Computer went to sleep.  It did not wake up.  Hard drive crashed.  Lost a good six months worth of e-mail, as well as several projects I was in the middle of and some personal stuff.  And $20 worth of new music that I’d just bought on Tuesday. I spent the entire day reformatting my freakin’ computer – after spending two hours at the Apple store getting the hard drive replaced.

Now, I’m trying to play catch up at 8:30 at night, working.  I have to pack for the trip to Nashville for Craig and Jessica’s wedding yet.  I’m leaving early Saturday morning.  My roommate’s laundry is still in the washer, so I can’t do laundry…I loathe it when people leave stuff in the washer.

Really, can someone please just shoot me now?

Officially the worst three weeks of the year.